Inside My Head

I'm at 13 weeks now and counting. Hopefully my baby will have a relatively stress free journey in side the womb (its stressful enough for mommy to be having horibble nightmares, let the baby have a stress filled days).

I do have fears. Even after 2 pregnancies.

I'm still afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid for the well being of the baby inside my womb. I can't see my baby, I can't touch my baby, I can't tell if my baby is happy or stressed or in danger inside my body.

I'm afraid of the probabilities of complications during labour. I know, still a long way to go but the fear is there. How will I cope? Can I go through the c-sec if need be? Can I bear the pain while nursing for a child?

What if I fail in my attempts to breastfeed? I failed in my first attempt and felt like a failure. My second attempt was relatively successful and it kinda paid back for my own feeling of failure. But what if I am not as successful as my 2nd attempt. What if I failed miserably worst than my first attempt?

What if the demands of work, being a mother to a kid, a toddler and a baby, having to make sure the house feels like home while at the same time having a wife duty and a daughter duty to attend to proves too much for me? What if I crumble over the pressure? What if I can't cope?

All the what-ifs are a poison swirling in my head... yes I know that. But I still can't help thinking about them. Sometimes I don't dwell on them, sometimes I totally ignore those thoughts. But at some other time, the thoughts keep repeating itself inside my head.

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On a lighter note (i wish!), I envy those pregnant mothers who still look stunning. Even their bumps look gorgeous.

Me? I look more and more like a beach whale. Not at all attractive. I have yucky oily full of red small pimpled skin. Stretchmarks all over my body thanks to 2 previously oversized pregnancies. All the comfy clothes (including inner wear meant for a pregnant lady) doesn't exactly exudes sexiness and beauty. How can one look (and feel) beautiful and sexy with huge grandma panties, big pants with pouches (meant for the growing stomach), huge unattractive clothes?

When I look into the mirror, all I see is a hugely fat and short pregnant woman with a terrible skin. Where's the sexiness in there?

(actually, I do have a confession, out of all these, I absolutely adore my new boob size. Feels heavier, looks fuller and most importantly, its big :D ).

And I'm only in my 3rd month. And its embarrasing to tell people exactly how far I've been pregnant.

Can you imagine how big I'll be come my due date? I'll be as big as the blue whale.

I envy those model like pregnant ladies. How on earth do they do that is beyond me. But then again, those beauties are beautiful even when they are not pregnant. So go figure!

I can never be all that... oh well...

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Ramblings from a woman who feels very unattractive today...