Bye Bye Melancholic Me...

Am ok now. Life is beginning to return back to normality (laundry, chaos, shouts, mess, the usual stuff). I am also starting my fasting today. Yurp... while everyone else has done half of the ramadhan month. Thinking about the replacement fasting days that I have to do later makes me cringe. 

I gained 7kg the last 3 months and only managed to lose a miserable 2kg. Patience and time is not something that I am familiar with. I have been given the all clear by the good doctor and I take that as a sign to move on from this episode of my life. My PMS-sy moods has also returned to normal (a slow return but still a return, thank god for that!).

Tomorrow I'll be forty. Life begins at 40 they say. Starting life they say. Start anew they say. Whoever that may be remains a mystery.

But I am starting again, Slow pace, bit by bit, a journey that I need to take alone. I will be wherever I need to be eventually. For now, 

Life has been kind. For that I am forever grateful.

But I will never forget you baby. Don't you worry.

if only..

If only I'm an artist,
I could draw her face.
Perfectly.
Beautifully.

If only I'm an artist,
I could draw her face.
And remember her eternally.

If only I'm an artist,
I could draw her face.
And take her memory with me
wherever I might be.

Because memory fades.
and disappear like a freckle of dust.
And I know i will lose her eventually.
I'm just not ready.
Not now.
Not ever.

Hopefully.

.
.
.
.
.


If only I'm an artist...

I miss Her

Dream about her last night. With her cute little feet and hands and cherubic face, sleeping peacefully. Perfect in every way.

I was in the toilet when she came out, she was tiny and shredding to pieces. She was in the sink and I have no idea how she got there. I was horrified. Then as sudden, she grew to be a full grown baby, sleeping in a fetal position, Told mr hubbs "takutnya nak pegang dia" and I did anyway. I cradled her and that's when I saw that she is a she. Remembered thinking to myself, "berat jugak budak ni".

And then I woke up... Didn't even remember her until now. And suddenly my dream feels so vivid. 

So real. 

I miss her already... *cry*

The day I had D&C

This year has a lot of first for me. First miscarriage. First D&C. First time in OT. First time being administered general anesthetic. First time being out cold and having no idea what were done to me (esp down yonder). First time being inserted with a contraceptive device.

Life is full of first times no matter how old you are.

Decided to go to Annur Hospital Bangi for a follow up check and scan coz its nearer to home. Went for a check up on Monday and was referred to Dr Fatimah. I like her. She is thorough with her explanation. Did not rush me while I related the history from my clear discharge to the blood clot despite it being the first day of Ramadhan and it was nearly 4pm.

During scanning she noticed a lot more tissues were still inside my womb. "Dang", i thought I could go back to normality. She gave me 2 options: (1) to let it come out naturally which may take weeks or months; or (2) do a D&C to clean the womb. Both comes with risks. Option (1) may lead to infection and option (2) I have to go under general anesthetic which has its own set of risks. After a brief contemplation, I decided to just go for it. Get it over and done with. At least I have a definite time to heal rather than the waiting for everything to come out with a risk that it may not come out completely and I would still need to go for D&C. Cut short process senang. Settle. She also asked if I want to get pregnant again, the question to which had me shaking my head as fast as the japanese bullet train. No no no no no no. This is it. We stop here. According to her I still can, I just need to give my womb a breather for 3 months before trying again. No no no no no no was my answer and I asked about contraception. She said it can be done. I can insert it during the minor op. Yes, problem settled. 

So the minor op was scheduled the next day (tuesday 7/6/2016) which is the 2nd day of Ramadhan. I was to go and register myself at 5.30am and the op will be done at 7.30am. Wahh pepagi sebelum subuh tu. So we rushed through our sahur, Dropped Ariz off with the babysitter and reached the hospital at 5.30am. Tapi GL pulak buat hal and due the hiccups, we had to wait for the GL to be cleared first. I was registered into a four bedded ward. Tak nak demand lelebih since GL tak lepas lagi despite my entitlement of a single bedded room. Tak pe lah, Day procedure je pun. Since the GL fiasco was settled quite late at around 7.30am, my op had to be postponed to 4pm. Fuhh jenuh jugak nak menunggu. Dah la puasa since 12am last nite. Now I had to start puasa from 10am. Dapat la makan biskut sikit, minum air sikit utk energy. Requested to balik rumah dulu. Dr said OK. I had to sign a discharge against advice form, tak kisah lah tu sbb tak buat apa2 pun lagi and had to come back at 2pm.

note: if you ever have to go through a D&C, do shave your pubic hair beforehand. I was not told of this the day before and the nurse said she will have to do it for me. Ish, kesian lah pulak kat nurse so I said tak pe, let me do it, you just check if satisfactory or not.  

Went back again at 2pm and settled down. At around 3pm I was asked to go down to the OT. My last meal was at 9.30am (nasi hujan panas semalam kot. Tapi semangkuk kecik toet je la nak perabis sisa2 sahur). I was supposed to be on a 6 hour fast. Dah depa kata op at 4pm last makan at 10am, Tup2 nak buat op at 3pm, mana aku tauuuu. The reason for the 6 hour fasting rule according to dr bius is to minimise incidents where patient vomit during op while under general anesthetic. But we went ahead with the op.

note: before going into OT all jewelries must be taken off ( cincin, rantai, subang, jam, etc). No eating 6 hours before and bra and panties off.

My first time in OT, there was a lone bed in the middle of a big cold room full of medical gadgets and apparatus. I laid down on the bed. The clock showed 3.20pm. 1 nurse held my right hand to take my blood pressure while simultaneously dr bius was poking my hand to insert the IV drip needle (or whatever you call it). Banyak betul benda going on at the same time. The the dr said that she was going to administer ubat bius. A nurse was putting oxygen mask on me and asked me to breath normally (how else to breath i wonder?). When the bius was inserted, it was quite painful. I remember telling the nurse "sakit jugak cucuk ubat bius ye", and she replied "memang sakit sikit". Fine. It was quite painful but I remember thinking to myself, let see how long before I am out. The next I know I hear nurses were talking to the dr at the far end of the room. Wanted to open my eyes but I felt groggy. Was wondering bila nak start procedure ni. Then I heard the nurses preparing me to go back to my ward. Aik.. dah selesai rupanya. I asked the nurse what was the time. It was 4pm apparently. I was out cold in a sec. Fuh. 

I was still feeling groggy when they rolled me to my bed but the grogginess was nearly gone about half hour later. By 6pm I could be discharged. Felt some blood coming out but when I check there was not so many. The nurse did gave a bottle of what was taken out from me for me to see (it was just a half of bottle of reddish liquid, nothing solid). I was wondering if the IUCD was inserted as well since I felt nothing. No numbness, no soreness, no pain, nothing. Apparently it was fitted but gonna ask the dr still during my next check up just to confirm.

Now, 2 days after the op, physically I am ok, no pain, just some very very minor discomfort around the tummy area, nothing that I can't manage. Some lethargic feeling that comes on and off. Mabuk sikit at times. But that's it. But emotionally, I am on a roller coaster. I cried everyday since. No reason. I don't feel sad, I don't feel frustrated, I don't feel angry. I just feel like crying. I get angry real quick. I get tired real quick. And as sudden I feel calm and normal. Last nite I was crying out of frustration and stress. Coz I had to cook for sahur, Ariz was wailing like a crazy banshee who's foot got caught between the door, the kids were taking food while I was cooking. Ikan bilis je pun. And I was having a thumping headache, and feeling frustrated coz I had to drive to get Ariz from the daycare that evening coz hubs was stuck in a very bad jam. I felt so frustrated and stressed out that I join Ariz wailed in the room while trying to get him to sleep. Dia tengok mak dia melalak, dia pun melalak. 

Today I am ok. Slept the whole day. The headache still persist but manageable. Feels tired mostly. I'm gonna allow myself to feel lemau for this week, but next week, we will move it move it. Letih betul badan lemau2 ni. Nak start exercise, takut tak boleh lagi tapi ada la sikit2 buat squat, pelvic exercises and some upper core exercises. Sikit tak banyak tapi jadi la dari tak ada ye dak?

Oh well, Right after this I'm gonna dive into work pulak. We are now in the middle of a very critical phase before the launch of a very critical product and I am at home. Gotta buck up and settle some work pronto. Dah janji nak bagi draft agreement by this week and today is already Thursday...

Oh well...

This is my story. A first for me. The first and the last I hope. 

The one that didn't make it

1 more day to turn to week 12 and here i am at 5am in a hotel room out of klang valley wondering what to do next while i bleed and having mild to moderate (period-ish) stomach cramps.

The real stain started about 5 days ago. Before that there was sticky stringy discharge that gradually turned from clear to white-ish to greyish to greenish to yellowish to brownish tint. Then i started to stain dark brown stain. First it was a little and then it became a lot more resembling period stains at the end of a period cycle. By then panty liner is a must. 

On 2nd June went to our normal family clinic for a check. The good dr did a vaginal check and confirmed the brown stain and suggested a scan. During scanning sac was detected but it was empty. Mind you when i did the scan at 7 weeks embryo was present and hearbeat was seen. Now at 11 weeks it was an empty sac. The dr mentioned about the possibility of a delayed miscarriage and set an appointment for a repeat scan another 2 weeks just to be sure. If its confirmed an empty sac then a referral to the hospita would be needed for womb cleaning i suppose.

Thereafter the brownish stain became heavier and redder and a more frequent change of panty liner was required. I don't have the normal pads you see, only tampons and i was unsure if it was safe to insert anything down yonder at this point of time, hence the help of panty lines Yesterday 3rd June it was no longer a stain but it was more to bleeding. Brown blood. According to dr google brown blood is old blood and can sometimes mean nothing but just a way for the body to discharge old blood in the womb. However, despite what dr google had said, by the time i was queuing to check into a hotel (it has been paid for last week when things were still relatively normal) i was bleeding so heavily that even my panties were soaked wet. Last nite while walking around the local nite market after dinner i feel pressure inside down underneath. That feeling is normally felt when i am at my heaviest peak of my period cycle. Went back to hotel and another change of panties were necessary. By this time i am having panties crisis.

At 4.30 this morning i woke up when i felt some stomach discomfort and something came out. Since i was only wearing panty liner and the bedsheet is white, an emergency trip to the toilet a few steps away from the bed was required. While sitting on the toilet bowl i felt a few more something came out of me. Couldn't really see what it was coz the water in the bowl was quite red. While washing away, a few more dark red blot clots came out. Blood was still coming out and i decided to squat on the floor. And a mother of clot came out but this time (terkejut mak kejap) there was white-ish substance. I think it was the sac and unofficially i have miscarried. More blood clots came out while i was wondering what to do next. The stomach cramps are now becoming more uncomfortable. Just like when i am at the peak of my period.

What's a girl gotta do when there are more blood than panty liners? Diapers came to the rescue of course. Thank god for diapers. A life saver. Meanwhile i have kept the sac. When cleaned of blood it does look like a collapsed sac. White-ish in colour. Just like what the dr described.

And now while having mild to moderate stomach pains and feeling blood clots still coming out of me, i am wondering what to do next. Go to the hospital for a check up? Or just let nature takes it course since the sac is already out. And furhermore, we are on a holiday even if only for a short while but still a holiday. Hospital is just across the road from the hotel where we are staying. Should i go or should i wait until next Monday and let the kids enjoy the weekend first?

What to do? How long to wait? How long is a normal bleed from miscarrige? Is this considered as nifas blood? Can i fast? Do i need to pantang? If yes when should i start? And for how long?

Questions, questions and more questions.

Still don't know what to do next...

Week 10

10 weeks already!

Although to be honest I don't feel pregnant. Its as if life is like normal except for my rounder stomach. Thank god my weight is stagnant after the dramatic increase of 5kg in the earlier weeks. But that too thanks to me trying to control my food intake. It also helps that all healthy food looks yummy to me now. Fruits, oats, milk, nuts are my get going fuel now. And I try to avoid sugary, sweetened drinks, oily food, fast food, coz they just taste weird in my mouth. Good la kan...

I still try to exercise whenever I can. My walking pace has yet to drop down, which is good because brisk walking is a habit and the only cardio i get when my malas mode is on.  Even when I feel lethargic, I force myself to brisk walk. Its like my pick-me-up cure.

My mood to clean up has also increased. Last weekend was clean-the-store day sampai sakit2 pinggang mak but I'm satisfied. Next is to throw away all old broken furnitures and clothings to make way for new ones (yeay!). Then wallpapers, painting the stairs and doors and the porch (yippe!). So much to doooo.... 

Oh, and my new fav is browsing online for pretty clothes for myself (first purchase(s) today). Yup, this new mood of liking all things pretty and dainty is here to stay it seems.

And thinking seriously hard about when and where to do my ante natal check up. That will be in the next post #remindingself

Exercising While Pregnant

WHY?

• to feel better and gives energy boost

yeah, with all those morning afternoon mid day, evening, nite, midnite sickness, who has the energy to exercise and sweat? But actually it does helps with the lethagicness and we don't feel so exhausted. And it does helps you to sleep more easily.

• to control weight gain

at least your weigth won't shoot up tremendously because when you exercise, all those extra calories you take can be compensated, (means you can eat more!)

• to be healthy and fit

what else is there to explain aye?

• to prepare the body for labour and birth

the fitter we are, the easier the labour and birthing process, at least during the final push.

• to ease the weight loss process post pregnancy

less weight gain, less effort put in to lose that little weight, aight?

WHAT TYPE OF EXERCISE?

• brisk walking
• running (if you are used to running, otherwise, stick to brisk walking)
• swimming (wonderful as you will feel weightless under water)
• yoga / pilates
• weight training (if you are used to, otherwise, get a trainer)
• aerobic / dance (ante natal aerobic/dance classes could be an option)
• pelvic floor exercises (a must to control incontinence ante and post natal)

EXERCISES TO AVOID

Climbing, horse riding roller blading, skating, football, basketball, netball, hockey, any racket sports, or any exercises that involves balancing.

HOW TO START

Beginner - start with 15 minutes 4 times a week of mild low impact exercises and gradually increase to at least 30 minutes 4 times a week.

Others - continue with routine but start with low impact exercises and gradually build up from there.

Concentrate more on toning, never forget to warm up and stretch. 

Careful not to overheat especially during 1st trimester.

No lying flat on your back from 2nd trimester onwards.

Drink lots of fluid, have sips of water during exercises

always do a cooling down stretches.

Slow down when you can no longer carry a normal conversation.

next post: suggested exercises to do

HAVE FUN EXERCISING AND SWEATING. YOU WON'T REGRET IT!

#messageuntukdirisendiri #selfreminder #selfmotivation #youcandoit #icandoit #wecandoit

love comes unexpectedly

Yesterday I said I was still in denial.

Yesterday I said I was going to do a 2nd UPT just to be sure that I am pregnant.

Yesterday I only cared a little.

Yesterday I didn't bother or worried when i feel some minor stomach cramps.

But yesterday was also the day I was hit. 

Took the UPT test again. The two lines were even more visible than the 1st test. And I pushed myself out of denial. No more denying that I am carrying another life inside of me. And I started browsing for baby stuff (gave em all away already, so we really have to buy new things), mom's stuff (coz I gave all away and I am expanding like nobody's business).

And suddenly it hit me. It hit me hard. 

I do care that I am pregnant.

I do care that I am carrying a child inside me.

I do care about this child no matter how small adik is at the moment. 

I worry hoping that adik will survive life in my womb.

And I have been telling adik to hang on, be strong since because mommy is expecting to see you happy, healthy and alive in 7 months time.

And I have been taking it easy with my exercising routine, checking my temperature so that I don't overheat, remembering to take folic asid from now on, seriously counting calories to control my weight gain so that it won't affect adik now or later in life. 

And I am mighty proud of my round baby bump, and I couldn't care less if people know.

And I feel this overwhelming love growing inside of me. 

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.

.

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When love hits, it hits like a thunder...

Weight Gain During Pregnancy

How much should one gain and how much is the calorie intake if one is pregnant?

The amount of weight gained depends on what category the pre-pregnancy BMI lands in:

• Underweight: BMI below 18.5
• Normal weight: 18.5 to 24.9
• Overweight: 25.0 to 29.9
• Obese: 30.0 and above

The weight ranges below are for a full-term pregnancy: 

• Underweight: 28 to 40 pounds (12.7kg - 18.1kg)
• Normal: 25 to 35 pounds (11.3kg - 15.8kg)
• Overweight: 15 to 25 pounds (6.8kg - 11.3kg)
• Obese: 11 to 20 pounds (5kg - 9kg)

For twins, the recommendations naturally go up: 

• Normal: 37 to 54 pounds (16.8kg - 24.5kg)
• Overweight: 31 to 50 pounds (14kg - 22.7kg)
• Obese: 25 to 42 pounds (11.3kg - 19kg)

Calorie Intake

In general, pregnant women need between 2,200 calories and 2,900 calories a day (My view: I think a safer range for asian would be between 1400 - 2000 calories). A gradual increase of calories as the baby grows is the best bet. Here is an overview of how calorie needs change during each trimester:

• First trimester does not require any extra calories.
• Second trimester an additional 340 calories a day are recommended.
• Third trimester, the recommendation is 450 calories more a day than when not pregnant.

Physical Activity

Physical activity can help manage weight gain. The activity guidelines for pregnant women are 30 minutes of moderate exercise on most, if not all, days of the week. Make sure to talk with a doctor before starting or continuing any exercise routine.

source

Week 9

What's happening eyh?

Well, As of today:

I am 9 weeks pregnant.

Have yet to experience morning sickness (i hope I'm not jinxing this by writing this down!).

I have gained 5kg since I was pregnant.

Some rare occassion of lethargic-ness that comes as quicly as it goes.

Some aversion to some smelly smell.

Some dislikes towards certain food (anything chocolaty or cheesy are on the list... boo hoo hoo!).

My figure has slowly becomes distorted. Sporting a rounder tummy and fuller thighs. Hubbs just commented that my flabby underarms are back... boo hoo hoo!!!

Love to see and watch pretty dainty girly things.

Still went for my normal exercise class. A bit slow and tires easily. I try to avoid excessive vigorous moves and stayed within the beginner's moves only. Unsatisfying but got to remind myself that I can't exert myself too much. Not good for the baby...

ohh...

And I am still in denial. In fact I just bought another UPT just to check.

Just in case. 

adding another number... again?

Ariz turned 2 last month. We have been calling him adik all these while. I have even gave away all baby clothing and items. ALL.

Ariz is meant to be the last. Anak bongsu. The end of the line. Penutup. Kilang is shutting down.

However, this month my period is already 11 days late according the period tracker apps. My nipples are sore but I attributed those pain to Ariz sucking too eagerly. My moods have been going ups and downs. Kejap macam naga, kejap merajuk, kejap nak sedih, kejap ok. But I attributed these yo-yo moods to PMS. Then yesterday night after work I started feeling lethargic. Penat yang tak terucap. Lemah longlai rasa badan. I attributed this tiredness to the long hours stuck in traffic jam on the way back to KL the previous day. 5 hours of jams to be specific. And some nausea which had me feeling wanting to eat to counter balance that nauseating feeling.

However, atas dasar gatal hati, I took a pregnancy test this morning. The test was bought last period cycle because I was also late then. But the day that I planned to take the test, my period made a show. Hence a spare pregnancy test lying around at home at 6am in the morning today.

Was praying for a 1 liner. Was really hoping for a 1 liner. And then 1 line showed. OK. Patiently waiting for the test to complete and... a vague line appeared.

Sigh...

Here we go again. Life begins at 40. Yup. A new life it seems. the pregnancy tracker (yup, the period tracker has now been converted) says I am 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant today.

Nak happy ke nak mengeluh ke nak disappointed ke, tak tau la... mixed.

Still hoping its a false positive.

but my lethargic-ness feels sooo real...

I just want to sleep...

i Know. I'm a Mom too

This article had me teary eyed. The Most Powerful Thing You Can Say to Another Mom  (*click HERE to go to the actual article) A few weeks ago, one of my dearest friends lost her 21-month-old daughter forever when the sweet baby girl died unexpectedly and suddenly. My friend and I live on opposite sides of the country, so I took a trip to visit her for this past weekend. Admittedly, I was a nervous wreck about what I was going to say to her and her husband. How was I going to find the words to comfort them? How would I avoid saying the wrong things? I wanted to find perfect words, and, as I am a writer, words happen to be one of the few ways I truly know how to express myself. Except I was at a complete loss over her loss. Having two healthy children at home, I felt I couldn't truly relate to her pain, so how on earth was I going to be able to comfort her during a situation that I have very little experience in? Armed with a pocket full of Bible verses and a slough of rehearsed things to say, I walked into her home and could never in a million years have foreseen the life-altering and powerful words that would be spoken between us during our time together. Except the words came from her, to me. From her. To me. That's right. My friend, who at this point is proving to be one of the strongest people I know, said something during her time of grief that will forever hold a spot in my heart. It was a phrase so simple, yet it has hit a chord deep inside of me. As she was describing the events leading up to the death of her daughter, she tried to express to me her complete heartbreak as she held her sweet child in the hospital during the minutes and hours after she died. Describing the time only as her worst nightmare, she said to me with tears rolling down her face, "You're a mom, you know." You're a mom, you know. This phrase took my breath away — as well as any composure that I had managed to keep together up until then. Because it was at that point, with that phrase, that I was able to start to understand the magnitude of her sorrow. Sure, I was completely heartbroken for her before, as death is difficult for anyone. But I'll admit that I didn't fully understand my role as her friend or as a fellow mom. See, all this time I had been looking in the wrong places for the perfect thing to say to her while I should have just looked at our simplest bond: motherhood. And while I have not experienced the pain that comes along with losing a child, I do understand the joy that she once experienced from holding her child. And to lose that? There are no words Except maybe "I'm a mom, I know." Losing a child is every mom's worst fear — no matter who you are or what kind of mom you choose to be. In the days since, I've been keeping this simple thought in mind when relating myself to other mommies. Sure, we all have our different ways of mothering and raising our families, but we do have one thing in common: our hearts are directly connected to our children. It makes the whole mommy wars thing seem, well, totally ridiculous. You're a mom, you know. So as I went with my own mom, who has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, to her radiation treatment, I glanced over at the young mother of a small boy in the waiting room. He was maybe 3 years old (though it's hard to tell because he was so tiny). He sported a colorful Superman cape and a bland hospital mask as he sat cradled in his mom's arms. She said something quietly to him. My heart stopped. This mom ached for that mom. And the tears started to fall from my eyes despite me not knowing her one bit. Despite me only sitting in the waiting room for maybe 30 seconds. Despite my own mom sitting next to me about to have her own radiation treatment. This is crazy, I thought. I don't even know this woman. But what I do know is that I'm a mom. And later I was getting dinner at a takeout restaurant, and one of the employees was on the phone in the restroom. She was struggling to find a babysitter for her child while she finished her late shift. She was frantic. She was upset. She was mad. My heart skipped another beat, and the tears welled up in my eyes once again. I know, I'm a mom. As I went back to my mom's house, heartbroken over my friend's loss, my mother was trying to comfort me. Asking if I was OK. Me! She was the one going through radiation, I should be comforting her. And then it dawned on me as to why she was so worried about how I was doing. She knows, she's a mom. And on the plane on the ride home there was a new mom standing with her infant son nearly the whole four-and-a-half-hour flight because if she attempted to sit down, he wailed. She looked exhausted and frustrated. She checked her watch frequently, but she also kept on task all while kissing on his little bald head. I know, I'm a mom. See, it's a thread that unites us all. Helicopter moms. Free-range moms. Breastfeeding moms. Formula-feeding moms. Rich moms. Poor moms. Moms of sick kids. Moms of healthy kids. Moms. The crazy, heart-stopping love that we feel for our children runs deep through each and every one of us as moms. And this knowledge is painful at times. It's why every sappy commercial brings us to tears. It's why we can't watch the news. It's why we get in the car and cry after we drop our kids off to their first day of school. It's why food allergies are terrifying. It's why our hearts ache when we hear about miscarriage or fertility problems. It's why we are up at night worrying about our teens. It's why the thought of our children eventually leaving the nest makes us weep into our coffee. It's why the death of another mother's child is so utterly heartbreaking . . . It's also why we should always provide a blanket of support to all fellow moms. Not only to those who are suffering through the unimaginable pain of losing a child, but also to those mamas going through plain ol' rough times . . . and even those moms who are just having one of those days. Hug her, and if you are struggling to find the right words, all you may really need to say is, "I know, I'm a mom." But you probably already know this. After all, you're a mom.

**Post Self Reminder**

Sebelum kita keluar ke pejabat kita membebel pada anak kerana lambat bersiap Sampai di sekolah anak maklumkan ada surat yang dia lupa berikan semalam. Lagi sekali anak dileteri. Anak salam dan masuk ke kelas dengan keadaan emosi yang terguris. Dah dua kali kena marah. Kalau tak bagitahu pasal surat tu pun takpe fikirnya. Buat kena marah je. Seharian dia di sekolah bersama kawan-kawan dan guru. Bila habis sekolah, dia tinggal di taska atau rumah pengasuh. Sementara menunggu ibu dan ayah balik.. Bila matahari semakin hilang cahayanya, baru ibu dan ayah datang mrnjemput. Dah 8/9 jam tak jumpa ibu ayahnya. Banyak yang dia nak kongsikan. Waktu ibu dan ayahnya sedang bercakap, waktu itu juga mereka excited nak cerita dan bertanya itu dan ini. Nak bagitahu cikgu puji dia pandai, nak bagitahu kawan puji kotak pensil yang ibu baru belikan Tapi mereka dimarahi kerana dikatakan menyibuk waktu orang tua nak bercakap. Mereka menunduk dan masuk ke bilik. Bergurau pulak dengan adik-adik. Kecoh bunyinya. Tetiba wajah si ayah tersembul di muka pintu. Kena marah lagi sebab bising waktu ayah nak tengok berita. Ayah suruh baca buku. Tengah-tengah belek buku, teringat lukisan cantik tadi. Berlari nak tunjuk kat ibu didapur. Tetiba terlanggar pulak bucu meja. Jatuh dan pecah berderai gelas atas meja. Sekali lagi anak ini dimarahi dan dileteri. Dan anak ini akhirnya tidur dalam keadaan dia tertanya-tanya adakah ibu dan ayahnya menyayanginya atau tidak. Tiap hari, pasti ada saja salah dan silap mereka. Pasti ada yang tidak kena. Itu senario yang selalu kita hadapi. Malahan saya sendiri mengalaminya. Sungguh tinggi ego kita. Sungguh kita sangat mementingkan diri. Anak ini belum matang. Belum tahu berfikir seperti orang dewasa. Bila ibu dan ayah pulang mereka benar-benar ingin merasai kehadiran kita. Ingin dipeluk dan berkongsi cerita. Tapi apa yang mereka dapat??? Bila mereka besar dan lebih selesa berkongsi cerita dengan teman-teman, jangan kita persoalkan kenapa. Kerana waktu mereka ingin benar-benar berkongsi dengan kita, kita menafikan hak mereka. Keegoan itu langsung tak menjadikan kita ibu bapa yang hebat. Emosi dan amarah hanya mengundang salah tafsir si anak Jika kita berasa penat dengan urusan kerja seharian, bagaimana pula dengan anak-anak? Jam 7.30 dah terpacak di sekolah. Pagi sekolah agama dan petangnya pula sekolah kebangsaan. Tidak penatkah mereka? Kita keluar bekerja tanpa membawa beban berkilo. Tapi mereka bagaimana? Berat beg sekolah saja sudah 5 kg. Ingatlah, anak itu satu anugerah. Bukan tempat melempias lelah. * peringatan untuk saya dan anda

The world wide web from a little man named Iman Aydin

At 5 years and 4 months, his IT vocab consists of the following

Kompiter
Tinet
Donlot
Pesbuk
U-chub
I-pad
I-tab

...

When i was at that age all i can remember was bathing my doll in her bathtub.

Time changes.
Children changes.
We adult adapt.

2 : 0 : 1 : 5

I have for quite a while now have stopped having new year resolutions. For me, if I want to do something, I will just do it. There is no necessity to wait for a specific date to do it. Agak2 nak make an effort nak kurus, I can always start now tomorrow..... *gelakgulinggulingdenganjokesendiri* 

Jokes aside, I really do wish those who are having their annual new year resolutions to actually achieve these resolutions of their. I wish you the best of luck from the bottom of my heart. 

Hoping for a brighter, happier, more meaningful, more productive, contented, peaceful year for 2015.

New Year Resolution? 

What is that? Me no understand... heh.

2014. At A Glance

2014 is coming to a close. How time flies. Seems like I just wrote down a brief summary of 2013 and now its time for 2014 pulak.

On a personal note, 2014 is definitely a memorable year because it is the year of Ariz. The one who wasn't suppose to be.

The one who took everyone by surprise… well not that surprised actually, more of a fulfilment of an expectation (not mine!) that has built up over the years. I was ever ready to stop at 3 children. But since there was never any protection used (nor any restraint) (ermm… too much info?), getting pregnant was a news that was kind of expected. I was actually surprise that it took 5 years of doing absolutely nothing to stop me being pregnant for me to actually be pregnant. That was in April. Since then my life has been back to how it was 5 years ago; sleepless nights, blocked ducts, clingy human, cries (baby and mommy), exhaustion, emergency leaves, pushing stroller, baby carrying, outings at indoor areas with aircond only please, pumping regime, carrying pumps all over town, excessive weight (major SIGH!!!) and a house yang macam tongkang karam yang baru dijumpai 18 tahun kemudian...

But curiously, I can't think of how life was pre-Ariz. Its like that part of my life never happened. Thinking of his smile, his laughter, his wiggles, his excitement when he sees mommy, his curiosity, his habit of putting absolutely anything and everything into his mouth. One word. Bliss.

Adlan has master the art of masak nasi. Learn how to do nasi goreng and sambal udang. 

Is slowly turning into a tween with his degil attitude, his body odour, and his understanding of how the world works. Expecting his voice to go rougher next year.

 He is expressing more of his brotherly concerns for his siblings (despite the incessant  tease that drives mommy crazy!). 

His obsession with games has intensified, his current obsession being "counter strike". Pandai pulak main MMOG (massive multiplayers online games) ni. Mana belajar ntah.

Aliya turns out to be a wonderful sister and a marvellous mommy's helper. She keeps Ariz company while mommy takes a quick-everything (from taking a piss, to eating, and showering and cooking). On top of that she manages Aydin with his cry baby attitude. Books everywhere. Requests to buy books comes in almost daily. Botak poket mommy kalau hari2 kena beli buku. Nak cakap tak boleh tak sampai hati. Asal pergi shopping mall je she will keep a look out for bookstores.

Aydin? whooaaa that little guy turned to be a cry baby. Sikit2 nangis. I guess being anak bongsu for 5 years of his life and suddenly being dethroned has its negative impact. Trying to be patient with him but kadang2 terkeluar jugak api dari mulut bila mommy tukar jadi dragon. But he loves his little brother no doubt about it. Playing, calling out his brother (more like shouting on top of his lungs AAARRIIZZZZZ!!!), always wanting to see what his lill bro is doing. Tapi bab suka menjerit kt depan muka adik tu yg mommy tak tahan tu. Rimas.

 On the school front, he got 2nd in his class. We didn't know about it until we read the program book during hari penyampaian hadiah. Not baddd!

 And that hair! oh my. Every 20 minutes he will make a trip to the toilet or the sink to dampen his hair abd comb it. Mula2 style rambut cacak. Then he discovers hair gel. Now it’s the mat skima look. Every few minutes checking his hair. Mommy has to bring a small comb and a compact mirror everywhere just for him. Mat smart betul. 

Tapi dalam mat smart mat smart, terjadi jugaklah incident bengkok tulang. Yes, you read that right. Crooked bone. Not broken. Not fractured. But crooked collabone. Happened when he fell in his attemptm to piggy ride his Abang. Earlier this year terkoyak kulit kepala langgar pintu while at kampung. Dah berjahit 5 jahitan.

On a more general note, 2014 was a year of unprecedented events. The missing of MH370, the shot down of MH17, privatisation of ailing MAS, terrible2 haze (what else is new?) and water rationing in the west coast of peninsular Malaysia, the weakening of RM, the leakage of UPSR exam papers (UPSR je kot!!), the biggest flood since 1971.

So there… 2014 at a glance, as I can remember it. For now.

Next year cerita next year pulak. My new year resolution? To at least update a brief summary of the month on a monthly basis so that the yearly summary for 2015 aku boleh check the links je. Fening mak nak recall balik apa jadi for the past 12 months.

till then. peace.

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SID)

A member of an fb group where i am a silent reader posted a message that her exclusively breastfed child no 4 of nearly 4 months old passed away while sleeping when they had both happily went window shopping for a new baby carrier earlier that day. Cause unknown. I don't know her at all but her message deeply affected me.

My Ariz is nearly 4 months old. My Ariz is an exclusively breastfed baby. My Ariz is the 4th child. My Ariz is a healthy baby with no serious illness.

My Ariz is just like her baby.

And the very real risk of sudden death like that scares me to tears.

That is one of my biggest fear. And i can't stop crying

:'(

in remembrance of MH17

17.07.2014

And lightning does strike twice.

Fresh from the grief of losing mh370 (the flight is literally lost) the nation has to face another tragedy of mh17 being shot down. My 1st thought was that these tragedies seems like Malaysia is being targeted somehow.

A tragedy. A sad sad loss. Speechless #lossforwords

#ripmh17 #prayformh17 #prayformh370

Fakta Tentang Bayi Yg Kita Mungkin Tak Tau...

1. Bayi tiada kepala lutut. Ia tidak membentuk sehinggalah bayi berusia 6 bulan.

2. Bayi tiada air mata. Mereka menangis dan menjerit tetapi air mata sebenar tidak wujud sehinggalah bayi berusia 5 minggu.

3. Mereka mempunyai lebih tulang. Orang dewasa mempunyai 206 dan bayi pula 300 tulang. Kebanyakan dari tulang tersebut bercantum semasa bayi membesar.

4. Empat dari 10 bayi mempunyai tanda lahir.

5. Bayi mempunyai deria bau yang kuat. Boleh mengenali bau badan ibu sebaik dilahirkan.

6. Penglihatan bayi kabur sebaik sahaja dilahirkan.

7. Rambut bayi yang tumbuh semasa dalam rahim ibu akan gugur beransur ansur dan digantikan sepenuhnya oleh rambut baru apabila berusia 6 bulan.

8. Bayi baru lahir secara genetiknya mempunyai deria bunyi yang kuat. Boleh membezakan bunyi-buyian dan boleh mengenali suara ibu serta merta semasa dilahirkan

9. Deria rasa bayi masih tidak berbentuknya sepenuhnya semasa lahir. Tidak boleh membezakan rasa seperti manis atau masin dengan baik.

10. Jantung bayi baru lahir berdenyut diantara 120-160 degupan seminit berbanding dengan degupan jantung orang dewasa iaitu 60-80 seminit.

11. Bayi bernafas lebih cepat iaitu 30-50 nafas seminit berbanding dengan orang dewasa 16-20 nafas seminit.

12. Berat bayi bertambah 2 kali ganda dari berat semasa lahir pada usia 6 bulan.

13. Mendengarkan music klasikal menambah kepintaran bayi.

14. Bayi baru lahir tidur 15-20 jam sehari.

15. Bayi cuma mempunyai satu lapisan kulit sebab itulah ia akan alah dan kemerahan dengan senang kepada losyen wangi, sentuhan kasar, gigitan serangga dan sebagainya.

16. Bayi mempunyai kebolehan menyelam sebaik dilahirkan tetapi kebolehan tersebut akan hilang dengan cepatnya.

24

He is 24 days today.

How time flies. I have been with him 24/7 for 9 months 7 days + 24 days today. I can just stare at him and do nothing all day except that he would demand to be fed, sleep, fed, sleep (repeat). I have been unable to do anything else since he was born except cuddle him, feed him, talk to him, sleep with him, cuddle, feed, talk, sleep (repeat).

What has been going on since the day he was born? I'm putting this down for keepsake coz I know I won't remember the details come 10 years down the road.

He was born on Monday 14.04.2014 at 7.55pm and weight at 4.04kg. Normal birth. Natural tear (a lot - OUCH!!). Epidural (but of course!)

We were discharged on the eve of the 2nd day with a clean bill of health.

He was sleeping most of the time for the 1st 2 days and on the 3rd day he started to cry all nite long and demand to be fed all day and nite long. I didn't get any sleep for 2 days straight (didn't get much sleep either actually until today. The most sleep I can get nowadays are 2 hours tops).

Started to have blocked ducts on the 3rd day and sore right nipple on the 4th days. and started to pump milk out in the freezer.

In short, it was a miserable painful 7 days. 

Tali pusat tanggal on the 7th day.

He was circumcised on the 10th day. It (the penis) healed the next day coz I accidentally let him grab his bloodied penis while trying to bath him and he was acting as if he did nothing wrong. So I assume the circumcision is no longer painful for him. It was completely healed on the 3rd day with no apparent trauma to him or his mother.

The 10th day was also his 2nd time in a car and his first in a shopping mall (alamanda). Didn't bring him for shopping after the circumcision. We were merely looking for a place to eat. I was not really looking forward to be going out and about because to tell you the truth, I was still feeling tired and long walks does put pressure on the lower half of my body. Besides, I just had my stitches taken out by the dr that day so it was not really a walk in the park for me either. 

His name was officially registered on the 15th day.

The 1st 14 days was erratic. He fed on demand and sleep when he was not either feeding or crying. It was tiring. On the 15th day he started to have some resemblance of a feeding schedule. It was a loose 2 hours feed so at least I get about 1-2 hours of sleep each day. As a result, I stopped pumping my milk because he was constantly with me feeding and 2 hours is a short time to stock up on my milk production i guess.

Nowadays, he likes to sleep on my arms. Tiring but I don't really mind. He sleeps longer during the day and shorter during the nite. He also has taken up space on our bed and refuse to sleep in his cot. He has decided that we will be co-sleeping. At least until I start working (hopefully, finger cross).

***

And me? Well. The only thing I can report is that my last weight before giving birth was 90kg. And after 24 days, I'm down to 73kg. OK lah... although a loooooooong way to go to get to my pre-pregnancy weight of 59kg. I can't take any supplements to reduce weight because it reduces milk production as well (yup, I tried). And I have to eat carbo or my milk production will suffer (yup tried that too). So, having to eat carbo, not able to exercise (since he latches on to me like a leech almost 24/7 and also there is still some pain just above my pubic bone so I'm taking it easy as for now so that my inner whatever can heal properly. 

The 1st week was a torture. Having to endure blocked ducts, sore nipple, no sleep, tired, pain from the tear, internal pain if I move too much, hemerroid pains, difficulty moving my bowel... soooo many painful things to deal with all at the same time.

I'm still bleeding but not so much.Been out and about a few times already. Actually drove a few days ago. Cannot walk for long coz I do get tired easily. The pain is still there (all of em) but the pain is easing.

But know what? its all worth it when he stares into my eyes with his tiny hand splashed on my chest while he feeds. The feeling is indescribably.

*love*

**Ariz's latest pics