Time to Point Fingers.. HaHa!

babycentre says this about being 17 weeks pregnant:

"You may be gaining weight rapidly at this point, even if you're not eating much. Experts say that the amount of weight you put on during pregnancy is dictated primarily by your genes, so don't necessarily blame yourself if the weight's accumulating faster than you'd like. "

Haha! Now I can blame my ancestors for my weight gain. Hehehe...

I loike...

At 16 Weeks...

1. I'm getting bigger (sideways, front and back).

2. I still can't let myself run around on empty stomach (small portion but frequent is the secret).

3. Boobs getting bigger (i like .. haha).

4. Boobs start to discharge liquid.

5. Terrible back-ache

6. Sleeping is only comfortable when there is a mountain of pillows on my head (if sleeping on my back) or a pillow (or daddy **grin**) between the leg and another to support the tummy (if sleeping sideways)

7. Stomach getting bigger.

8. Can feel tiny kicks and/or punches (sometimes).

9. Smaller range of food taste yucky (thank god).

10. Growing appetite for junk/fast food (not good. not good at all. bad mommy!!!).

11. Less tired (more horny.. haha!)

12. Face still full of ugly pimples and oily (no changes there).

13. Old stretchmarks getting obvious (and ugly).

Appealing... no?

A Nudge Here and There

There was a nudge here. Later a nudge there. I was attributing it to gas pushing up my esofogus while bending down. Then a few days later there was a hard mildly painful bump at the side of my stomach. Later the same bump on the other side of my stomach.

Hmm...

I'm only 15 weeks weeks pregnant then. Could it be the baby moving? Could it be the baby telling me to give it some room inside?

Hmm...

i can't remember when I started to feel Adlan and a'aliya moved. But I was quite sure it was more than 4 months old. but then Baby centre says:

Starting this week, any stomach rumblings you feel may be your baby trying out some acrobatics, since she can now move all her limbs.

Hmm...

but during my monthly check up, the baby was doing summersault and practicing ball kicking inside. Perhaps, it was the baby that I felt...

Wow... I can actually feel the baby move at 4 months... ada harapan lasak anak aku yg sorang ni...

*****

On another note, at 4 months, I can still wear my normal clothes although its a bit tight here and there (especially my tummy and below). How come during the previous 2 pregnancies, I had to start wearing maternity clothes at this stage?

It all begs the question of whether I was not growing as big this time around

OR

I am already big enough BEFORE I was pregnant

*horror*

Inside My Head

I'm at 13 weeks now and counting. Hopefully my baby will have a relatively stress free journey in side the womb (its stressful enough for mommy to be having horibble nightmares, let the baby have a stress filled days).

I do have fears. Even after 2 pregnancies.

I'm still afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid for the well being of the baby inside my womb. I can't see my baby, I can't touch my baby, I can't tell if my baby is happy or stressed or in danger inside my body.

I'm afraid of the probabilities of complications during labour. I know, still a long way to go but the fear is there. How will I cope? Can I go through the c-sec if need be? Can I bear the pain while nursing for a child?

What if I fail in my attempts to breastfeed? I failed in my first attempt and felt like a failure. My second attempt was relatively successful and it kinda paid back for my own feeling of failure. But what if I am not as successful as my 2nd attempt. What if I failed miserably worst than my first attempt?

What if the demands of work, being a mother to a kid, a toddler and a baby, having to make sure the house feels like home while at the same time having a wife duty and a daughter duty to attend to proves too much for me? What if I crumble over the pressure? What if I can't cope?

All the what-ifs are a poison swirling in my head... yes I know that. But I still can't help thinking about them. Sometimes I don't dwell on them, sometimes I totally ignore those thoughts. But at some other time, the thoughts keep repeating itself inside my head.

*****

On a lighter note (i wish!), I envy those pregnant mothers who still look stunning. Even their bumps look gorgeous.

Me? I look more and more like a beach whale. Not at all attractive. I have yucky oily full of red small pimpled skin. Stretchmarks all over my body thanks to 2 previously oversized pregnancies. All the comfy clothes (including inner wear meant for a pregnant lady) doesn't exactly exudes sexiness and beauty. How can one look (and feel) beautiful and sexy with huge grandma panties, big pants with pouches (meant for the growing stomach), huge unattractive clothes?

When I look into the mirror, all I see is a hugely fat and short pregnant woman with a terrible skin. Where's the sexiness in there?

(actually, I do have a confession, out of all these, I absolutely adore my new boob size. Feels heavier, looks fuller and most importantly, its big :D ).

And I'm only in my 3rd month. And its embarrasing to tell people exactly how far I've been pregnant.

Can you imagine how big I'll be come my due date? I'll be as big as the blue whale.

I envy those model like pregnant ladies. How on earth do they do that is beyond me. But then again, those beauties are beautiful even when they are not pregnant. So go figure!

I can never be all that... oh well...

*****

Ramblings from a woman who feels very unattractive today...